Granville...er--er fetch a cloth.
The swallows are leaving, Granville. And they're leaving it on our window!
Why me?
Think I've got a natural affinity for this sort of stuff?
For this I did double--entry bookkeeping?!
He clearly underestimates me qualities of leadership.
I know that face.
Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.
P--P--Possibly the finest backside in the north of England.
And it all belongs to the state!
Hey, G--G--Granville, have you been courting again?
Fat chance. We don't close till 9.00!
Mrs Scully said it could 'ave been you coming out of their Margaret...
-- You what? -- ..'s place on Frith St!
Go and get them papers in.
I told--told you not to see that Ken Russell film!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
You've hardly got your spots cleared up from the last one!
I'm all right.
I 'ope you're not abusing your health, are you?
You look like you could use a good night's sleep.
Aye, but we always have to get up the middle of it!
Listen, you ca--can't be lying in bed with customers passing the door!
Have you no sense of avarice, lad?
I'm not a lad any more!
Oh, been through some sort of ceremony, have you?
Painfully initiated while me back was turned?
24 hours of agony to prove yourself to the G--G--Grocers Federation elders?
Do they still practise the terrifying trick with the glacé cherry?
I'm 25, you know!
Oh, that bang we heard was you going through puberty, was it?
I thought we had a slate off!
I could be out in the world developing me full personality!
You 'ave got a slate off! Look, the world's gone mad out there!
You don't want to go out there. Sanity begins at home!
Eh--eh--eh q--quiet--quiet!
It's almost time for the news.
(TIME PIPS ON RADIO )
BBC Radio News at...
That's better.
You've no idea what benefit I derive from that not listening to the news.
It's a p--public duty to keep yourself ill--informed, I say.
Restore some English sanity to English streets.
If we don't sell this soon, we'll have to empty it.
Never--never mind that, w--why haven't you put the float in the till?
I put the silver in, but I wish you'd do the notes.
-- I don't like that spring clip. -- Give it here.
(SNAP)
That'll have somebody yet! I'm fed up with that till!
One of these days, I'll find somebody's fingers in there...mine!
Well, it'll all be yours one day, lad.
-- More to life than possessions. -- Oh, been watching BB--BB--BBC2?
I've told you that channel don't know any better!
-- They've not had your advantages. -- What advantages?!
That's right, w--wound me to the quick!
Who--Who got you out of school as soon as they could?
Who st--struggled and sacrificed to keep you out of university?
And that's your gratitude (? ) Come on, first bus'll be here soon.
Think on, you! Think on!
Some people have to go to university.
The way their parents are fixed, they've no choice!
Look at that J... Look at that J... Look at that...
Look at that Joan Bakewell.
Look at her, and all them other fairy lights!
Whereas if they'd had decent jobs, started work at 14,
they'd be as right as you and me!
'Ey up, h--h--here they come!
Good morning, gentlemen. Good morning.
The usual for you, sir? There we are.
That's it. 20 Yellow Perils for you, wasn't it?
And what... Oh, yes, Number Seven and an Evening Press.
And you were k--k--k...? I'll come back to you when I get me tongue!
And every packet contains a government warning, gentlemen.
(BOUTS OF COUGHING )
(FIT OF COUGHING )
Good morning.
(COUGHS)
I don't know why they buy them.
What? And miss an enjoyment? Give over!
That's British grit, that is.
That's the British public waving two V--shaped lungs at the experts.
G--Granville, f--fetch a cloth over here.
I want to see me face in that knob.
An odd little ambition, just a shopkeeper's quirk.
G--Get cracking, till I can see me quirk in it!
Talking of shopkeeper's quirks, we'll go over to Nurse Gladys Emmanuel's
and b--b--buff up her brass plate!
You're wasting your time there.
-- I wouldn't bet on it. -- Why does she see Wesley Cosgrave?
Her car's parked there nearly every night.
She sees Wesley Cosgrave because the man has a terminal illness!
He's got boils on his ass--ass...assorted places!
Which naturally inhibits his organ playing.
She goes to alleviate his suffering as any state--registered Christian would.
She has medical relations with him.
Watch your vocabulary.
-- Last thing every night. -- I'm not listening.
Stays for ages.
I'll kill her!
(DOORBELL)
I'll--I'll--I'll give her every night!
G--G--Get buffing!
I'm only repeating what's been said!
Eh--eh--eh--eh...
All right, I'm coming. I'll need plenty of hot water...
and if you're going to panic, paddle off home!
C--C--Can you explain why you're spending so long
on Wesley Cosgrave's bottom?!
-- Who is this?! -- It's Arkwright, Ner...eh--eh--eh--eh!
Oh, not at this hour!
L--I've c--c--come to buff up your brass plate as a neighbourly gesture.
Only to find you've fallen for a glib line in biblical patter
from Wesley Cosgrave!
Go home! Leave me alone! You've woken me mother!
-- She'll have acid regurgitation! -- I want to know if it's true.
Of course it's true! She'll be burping all day. Go home!
Do you realise, that's the first time I've seen them out of uniform?
-- I'm entitled to me private life. -- Nobody's stopping you.
We close at 9.00 and the rest of the day's me own (!)
-- Wonder what happened to my watch? -- Two hours of daylight at midsummer!
If it's d--daylight you're after, you're not ready for a private life.
Who's this one for?
-- Number 11. -- You've got 111 written here.
Oh, heck, have I? I've st--started stuttering in writing now!
When you deliver that, go careful, for God's sake.
They've waited for months to get something to love and cherish.
Now it's arrived, I don't want you scratching the bonnet as you go past.
Don't know why they don't keep it in the garage.
And her at Number Ten is liable to be her at Number Eight. Swapping.
(TYRES SCREECH )
-- It's the bread man. -- Oh, none other!
The Lethal Teacake,
indulging his lust for speed at the expense of my Eccles cakes.
When he brakes, all the currants finish up at one end.
Morning, Mr Arkwright.
-- If I had my watch, you'd be late. -- Rubbish!
I know what you're selling, this is your time keeping!
-- All fresh. -- Never knew a bread man that wasn't!
If they make this bread any whiter, I'll have to wear dark glasses!
That's how they third degree you. They lock you in a tiny cell,
and flash this bread in front of your naked eyeb--b...
-- People like it white. -- ..balls!
Naked eyeballs! I wish you'd let me finish sometimes!
It's the whitest bread in the world!
I know. Pity it tastes like polythene!
Still, what can you expect with all these monopolies in the flour trade?
That's what you get -- one loaf in 20 different wrappers.
Here you are. Keep the crumbs.
Why don't you try my split tins?
No, I have enough trouble with me broken biscuits.
Ta--ra, then.
Now then, you, think on. I want some money from Number 16,
in spite of the fact she's got an aff--fer--fer--fer...
in spite of the fact she's got an aff--fer--fer--fer--fer...
..an affliction!
It's sordid asking for money.
You may be flesh and blood, but that's not a licence to blaspheme!
Don't you ever think about serving the poor?
Who do you think comes in the shop?!
I spend me life serving the poor!
It's easy. You just remember never to give them any credit.
Get off with you. Don't forget to ring your bell at Number 75.
That carpet fitter's been in there for three weeks!
I'd hate you to catch him mid--fitting!
(HORN BEEPS)
L--I didn't think you'd make it.
It's time you bought him a van.
Never mind that, I'm worried about him.
He keeps disappearing with the Manchester Guardian.
It's a stage they go through.
Why, when I've struggled to bring him up orthodox Yorkshire Post?!
That's no place for a formative mind.
They talk about cannabis as if it were ice--cream.
The young have this desire to experiment.
I know, I get 'em in my shop doorway!
(SNIFFS)
Hey, what's that perfume? Evening in Plaster of Paris?
It's your wandering thoughts you should worry about, not Granville's.
When are you going to chuck up this lark and come and look after me?
It's no profession for a handsome lass!
I fancy the uniform, but it's never knowing where your hands have been!
Keep taking the tablets, Mr Arkwright. It'll go away.
Marry me, Gladys Emmanuel and I guarantee you the finest loin bacon!
And a fan...and a f... and a f...and a...
..and a full entertainment schedule!
You're at a funny age, that's all.
You'll sort out this hormone trouble and life will become much simpler.
Listen, I've got two tickets to the North--East Mouse Festival
which is being held in my bedroom!
Two bob? It'll cost you more than that!
(BELL RINGS)
Oh, it's you, is it?
Get your mam to buy you heavy boots.
Here, clutch hold of this. I don't want you carried off by the draught!
How's your mam? All right, is she?
That's the idea. Doesn't seem f--five minutes since she was your size!
Turn round and she's got five O--levels and thee.
Here you are. Now, don't drop that and watch them roads.
Watch that cat of Higginbottom's don't tread on you!
Nobody liked Wesley Cosgrave, even at school.
He had that brand of Christianity that was worse than BO.
-- I wonder what happened to MY watch. -- I haven't had it!
We're not discussing your problems. We're talking about my watch!
You shouldn't leave it lying about.
It shows a deep--seated neurotic anxiety about time.
It couldn't just be that me strap broke?
-- You don't go for psychology. -- Well, I don't need it.
I'm not criminal. Bit of humpty, that's what they want!
That what Wesley Cosgrave needed.
A belt round the ear with a Methodist hymn book!
Or even a pew or two!
-- A small chapel, really. -- I'm disenchanted with ironing.
You know, he split on me one Sunday School outing to Bridlington
for toying with the affections of Mabel Emsley.
I'd only just got started, an' all.
Six months ground work right up the Swannee!
That girl could get through bars of Whole Nut quicker than anything!
It was like watching McAlpine's starting a motorway!
Ironing is in direct conflict with the mainstream of my personality.
Fuss about it an' all. Cost me a part in the Christmas play!
In a word... I hate it.
I was going to be St Paul,
but they struck me down before I got near Damascus!
I'd hardly got back from Bridlington!
All right, so you don't like Wesley Cosgrave!
I have nothing against him!
Anyway, it's not only his boils she's interested in.
You what?
He's got a verruca.
-- I saw the nurse. She told me. -- My Gladys Emmanuel?
-- Did she mention me at all? -- No, not a word.
Is she obsessed with that man?!
(BELL) All right, I'll go.
-- She said he'd got this verruca. -- Damn show off!
Probably got it on HP!
(BOTTLES CLINK)
Morning, Mrs Scully.
By heck, that pram's seen a bit of service, hasn't it, eh?
-- Aye. Never no more! -- I should think not, wi' your lot!
You'd do better keeping the bottles and trading the kids in!
Get away, they're all right!
My last one's going to be clever. He's writing already.
He's nearly covered the lavvy wall!
I was there yesterday tea--time, reading it to his dad.
His dad? He never got up specially, did he?
Oh, no, it was his pub time.
-- Oh, I thought. -- 'Ey, while I think on,
give me his cigarettes. He's unbearable without a smoke.
He's not very f--fascinating with one!
You get used to him, you know.
Would you give me half a bottle of sherry for our Claudine?
Sounds a fair exchange, yes.
She's very upset. Her young man's just broke it off.
-- I'll have a tin of cat food. -- I thought you'd lost your cat?
So did we, but it were in bed the whole time wi' me husband!
Well, you know, he likes to put his feet on it!
It's been cold for him. The council's putting a new window in the bedroom.
He still lay there, sticking it out?
Oh, yes. Well, he enjoyed it, you see.
Well, it's the company. You know, I think he misses work sometimes.
Sometimes? He misses it every ruddy time!
Come on, he can be thoughtful.
I've seen him with tears in his eyes while I've been lying in pain.
-- He's sobbed, Mr Arkwright! -- Well, you wanted him back.
Never mind, eh, our Newton will be home soon.
Your Newton? They've never given him full remission again, have they?
Oh, he's going straight this time.
He always does... straight for someone's till!
No, he's been studying. He's met a nicer class of people this time.
They're learning him a useful trade. He's going into the post office.
Probably the night after he comes out!
-- Did you give me the fags? -- You didn't pay me for those.
(BICYCLE RATTLES)
-- Goodnight, Harry. -- Thanks.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, where the hell have you been? Look at the ti... Oh, never mind.
Listen, if she'd set off while you were out, I'd be stuck here!
Wesley Cosgrave would be giving her a tune on his verruca!
-- You can't stop her. -- I can't try if I'm in the shop!
If I had a van, I could be back much quicker!
She hasn't moved for an hour, you know.
I don't reckon she's going out tonight.
If I had a van, I'd have to call for petrol and things.
I'd meet people.
She's in there with her feet up, knitting.
Brushing up her pelvic fractures!
Wesley, you've had it!
Van drivers have numerous advantages over people on shop bikes.
I mean, as a class they've got more panache!
You can't swan up to some bird on a shop bike!
I'll take her over a bottle of milk stout when we close.
Have you tried dismounting and lighting your monogrammed cigarette?
You don't smoke.
Well, sucking on your monogrammed ice lolly!
Pausing only to ad just the cut of your flaming pinny!
Have you got any frozen Zoom?
You might well ask, son!
At this rate, I'm never going to find out!
He wants an ice cream. Come over here, young Keithly.
Where's your money?
There you are.
Thanks.
Hey! Hey up, Granville, look at that!
F--fetch your cloth over here.
-- Heh heh, what time is it? -- About 20 below, I think!
Hey up, she's taking something out of her car.
I think she must be getting ready to go.
I think you've had it!
She's going to Wesley's for an evening of boils and Bible bashing!
Why him? Why n--not me?
She obviously admires his good works.
If they gave him a chance, they're n--no better than my works!
(DOORBELL)
How did you do that?
Oh, it--it's nothing. I was ju--just reaching for my Bible and I slipped.
-- You'd best come in. -- Thanks.
There's more light in there.
I can't take you into the other room. My mother's watching telly.
No, kit--kitchen's fine. Don't make a fuss for me.
Sit down in there. I'll just go and tell my mother who is here.
She's a bit nervous of noise.
(VERY LOUD GUNFIGHT ON TV)
You...er... w--w--were you just going out?
This can wait till morning if it has to.
Just one more call, that's all.
-- Urgent, was it? -- No, more social, really.
Social? Oh, l--I didn't think you were supposed to get social with patients.
Sounds a bit rammy to me, that.
I thought you were supposed to be above suspicion,
like corset fitters and tattooists.
(TAPPING )
Ah, the world's sorriest sight -- Homo sapiens male with a spring broke!
Let's have it off.
I beg your pardon?
The sling, you fool!
I see. Less of the sweet talk, then. Do you soft soap everybody like this?
Typical! Men! You all come running for sympathy before efficiency.
OW! OOH ! Careful!
You'll break it in half! Ooh!
Oof! Tell me, what was it like in the Waffen SS?
Are your bowels all right?
My bowels?! Your idea of sweet talk, really (!)
Next time you see him, remember me to Jackie Pallo!
I want you to drink this.
-- It's for shock. -- I haven't got shock.
You will have when you get that down you!
Drink it!
Ohhhh!
Where did you get the recipe for that? The Farmers' Weekly?
That's been handed down from generation to generation, hasn't it?
Like typhoid!
Does it shift rust?
You'll find out what it can shift!
You know very well I'd go through fire and water for you,
but not in the same glass!
Poetic justice. You shouldn't come here wasting my time!
Have you no compassion for the sick at heart? Is everything medicine?
Could you not clasp me to your bosom with a womanly gesture?
You've got the chest!
-- Get off home! -- Listen, don't go there tonight.
He's no good for you!
-- Who are you talking about? -- Wesley Cosgrave. I know you go!
-- Your car's been seen in his yard! -- Wesley Cosgrave!
Wesley Cosgrave is a very kind man and he does me a good turn.
Have you no shame at all?
No, he lets me park there because there's no room at my sister's.
Ohh! Ha ha, oh, I see!
Ooh!
(BELL)
I'll give you parked outside W--Wesley Cosgrave's every night!
-- Well, she is! -- She's not.
She's up at her sister's.
Ohh! Well, you're all right, then.
I'm not all right.
She gave me something to drink that was made out of postmen's feet!
(MOUTHS SILENTLY)
-- Where does she work, then? -- Petrol pumps.
Oh, Lord preserve us! A future filled with unlimited free football badges!
Well, go on, then. Go on, get after her. Go on.
Fritter away the golden moments of your youth!
-- Can I take a couple of choc ices? -- Certainly.
Just put your money in the till.
They think 'cause you're middle--aged, you don't know what romance is.
It's that magic something that enables you to survive
chat like "What are your bowels like?"
She'd be a riot if I took her to the Federation dinner
with vernacular like that.
She's got a right old grip.
With a partner like a man would have somebody to unload his delivery wagons for him!